When Everybody’s Sick

Lie #12: The Nasal Aspirator

It is 11:30 p.m. I have toilet paper stuffed up both of my nostrils. I’ve never been sexier.

Croup is the word around the house. LD has the croup, momma has the croup, daddy has the craps – erm, croup. Maybe the craps too. Sickness is plaguing my house and has been for the last ten days – it doesn’t look like its going anywhere soon.

It all started when I came back from a trip to see my folks and the little guy was congested. His newest form of affection is to lick all over your face – it’s what he imagines kisses are. Cut him a break – he’s not even a year old yet. Cue germs. Lots of germs.

I used to be a germaphobe… when I had time. Before I had a baby, me and my Germ-X were BFFs. Forrest and Jennay.  Peas and Carrots. Laverne and Shirley. Germ-X was the one constant that I carried with me at all times. The thought of some creature coming at my face open-mouthed with snot pouring from its nose?? Unbelievable. Pre-kid this would have grossed me out beyond all belief, but now when LD decides to shower me with affection and his version of kisses, I just melt and coo and accept all the gross. But I digress.

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The Birth Plan


Lie #73: The Birth Plan

I had so many moms ask me when I was pregnant if I had a “birth plan.” Wut.

If you’re coming into this thing for the first time, prepare yourself. People are going to ask if you have a birth plan, how you plan to give birth, and trust me when I say that the most personal questions about your anatomy will be fair game.

Will you have a Cesarean section? Or do you plan to give birth vaginally? Are you going all-natural or are you planning to get an epidural? Do you want to be induced or are you going to let things progress naturally? Are you going to give birth at home, in the hospital, or at a birthing center? Are you going to hire a doula? Wait, you don’t know what a doula is? OH MY GOD. Wait. Are you thinking of having a water birth? OMG you haven’t written any of your wishes down?!?

And if you are stupid enough (*raises hand here*) to provide an answer or even a hint of an opinion one way or the other, you can rest assured that will be the WRONG BIRTH PLAN. Continue reading

“I’m telling you… it won’t stink!”

There’s a lot of advice you’re given when you’re about to become a parent for the first time. Most is unsolicited, so prepare yourself, but most of it is well-meaning and comes from a place of kindness.

Kind of like the lady who told me that if the baby was pushing down on me too hard, that I should get on all fours, arch my back like a cat, breathe in deeply (are you visualizing an 8 month pregnant woman doing this? PLEASE DO), and then slowly exhale. “Letcher belly just flop down!” She told me this complete with a step-by-step example… in public… with lots of people watching. See? I told you… unsolicited but mostly well-meaning.

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