They’re Gonna Eat What I Serve!

YA author Derek Landy said, “The lies we tell other people are nothing to the lies we tell ourselves.” Nothing has ever been more accurate in the grand scheme of parenting than this sentence. This one in particular is a WHOPPER, y’all. The grandest delusion.

Lie #54: When I have kids, they’re gonna eat what I serve. I will not go out of my way to fix them something different!

My sister, God bless her, had my niece a year and a half before I had my son. My niece is a delight, and in addition to all of her marvelous qualities, she is a great eater. She eats most of what my sister serves her. I, in my childless arrogance, declared that if my sister could do it, I could do it. “And why not?”, I asked myself. “Surely I can accomplish this; surely I can have a good eater. These people who talk about picky eaters just aren’t putting in enough effort.” Continue reading

The Actual Travel is the Worst Part

I live several hours away from most of my family. I love to go see my family. Before I had LD, I just tossed my suitcases in the car, plopped my dog in the front seat, put on my sunglasses, and off I went. And they told me “Be grateful it’s just you. Traveling with kids is the worst.”

That part wasn’t a lie. The lie was when they told me that GETTING to your destination was the worst part. Um no. No. No. No. Continue reading

Lie #837: Mom Brain REALLY Isn’t That Bad

Mom brain is a real thing. I don’t think anyone denies it, but they definitely don’t tell you about it being as bad as it is.

Today is one of those days. I spent the better half of my morning walking around trying to clean my house (Company’s coming! THROW IT ALL AWAY!) and wondering what was wrong with my coffee pot. I discovered that 1) I never put grounds in it, and 2) I didn’t even bother to turn it on.

If that was any indicator how the rest of the day would be, I don’t know what was. I distractedly pulled my son’s breakfast out of the microwave, spilling most of it on myself. What little I did save I attempted to feed him. He resisted. I lost the battle of the wills. Continue reading

My Kid Won’t EVER Do That

Lie #49: My kid won’t ever ______ because ________.

It’s the lie we all tell ourselves. This – THIS is the doozy. This is the one you tell yourself before you have children. You know the one. The one where you stare at the stranger’s kid having a meltdown in a restaurant and you two look at one another and nod in silent assent. The one where you insist, to yourself or anyone else that’ll listen, that your child will be a good eater and won’t subsist off of french fries and yogurt. The one where you quietly full body eyeroll when your friend tells you her behavioral nighttime routine woes because of tantrums.

“Our kid won’t ever do that.”

The last one is me. One. Hundred. Percent. I never understood these moms that talked about how their kids kept them up all night. I, admittedly, still don’t. I find it completely foreign. But what I did do is tell a big ole fat lie. “When I have kids, they are NOT going to interfere with my sleep schedule when they are old enough.” I got bolder. “They are going to have a strict bedtime routine because research shows [whose? No clue] that children with set schedules are more successful in life. I [imagine puffed up chest here] will be a balanced parent.”

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When Everybody’s Sick

Lie #12: The Nasal Aspirator

It is 11:30 p.m. I have toilet paper stuffed up both of my nostrils. I’ve never been sexier.

Croup is the word around the house. LD has the croup, momma has the croup, daddy has the craps – erm, croup. Maybe the craps too. Sickness is plaguing my house and has been for the last ten days – it doesn’t look like its going anywhere soon.

It all started when I came back from a trip to see my folks and the little guy was congested. His newest form of affection is to lick all over your face – it’s what he imagines kisses are. Cut him a break – he’s not even a year old yet. Cue germs. Lots of germs.

I used to be a germaphobe… when I had time. Before I had a baby, me and my Germ-X were BFFs. Forrest and Jennay.  Peas and Carrots. Laverne and Shirley. Germ-X was the one constant that I carried with me at all times. The thought of some creature coming at my face open-mouthed with snot pouring from its nose?? Unbelievable. Pre-kid this would have grossed me out beyond all belief, but now when LD decides to shower me with affection and his version of kisses, I just melt and coo and accept all the gross. But I digress.

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The Birth Plan

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Lie #73: The Birth Plan

I had so many moms ask me when I was pregnant if I had a “birth plan.” Wut.

If you’re coming into this thing for the first time, prepare yourself. People are going to ask if you have a birth plan, how you plan to give birth, and trust me when I say that the most personal questions about your anatomy will be fair game.

Will you have a Cesarean section? Or do you plan to give birth vaginally? Are you going all-natural or are you planning to get an epidural? Do you want to be induced or are you going to let things progress naturally? Are you going to give birth at home, in the hospital, or at a birthing center? Are you going to hire a doula? Wait, you don’t know what a doula is? OH MY GOD. Wait. Are you thinking of having a water birth? OMG you haven’t written any of your wishes down?!?

And if you are stupid enough (*raises hand here*) to provide an answer or even a hint of an opinion one way or the other, you can rest assured that will be the WRONG BIRTH PLAN. Continue reading

“I’m telling you… it won’t stink!”

There’s a lot of advice you’re given when you’re about to become a parent for the first time. Most is unsolicited, so prepare yourself, but most of it is well-meaning and comes from a place of kindness.

Kind of like the lady who told me that if the baby was pushing down on me too hard, that I should get on all fours, arch my back like a cat, breathe in deeply (are you visualizing an 8 month pregnant woman doing this? PLEASE DO), and then slowly exhale. “Letcher belly just flop down!” She told me this complete with a step-by-step example… in public… with lots of people watching. See? I told you… unsolicited but mostly well-meaning.

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